Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
