Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
