Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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