If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
