Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
