I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
