Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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