I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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