I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
