this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
