Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
