i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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