My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
And then he peed in my hair
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