I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
