Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
