Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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