i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
