don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
