The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
