What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Randomize
