"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
