Just cropdusted the office
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Randomize
