didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
