Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
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