the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize