Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
