he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
