I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
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