I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
My ATM looks so different sober.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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