I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize
