My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
