Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
