my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
BRING THE BAGELS
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
