My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Randomize
