every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Randomize
