Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
