i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
as a side note pls kill me
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
