Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
