I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Panties = found
Randomize
