He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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