Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
