I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
