and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i already hear my dad disowning me
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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