PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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