there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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