I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
