so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize