I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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