dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
