I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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