one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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