when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
