well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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