I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
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