he thought i was a dude.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
