You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
