im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
